To Lose Control
by Desertfyre
Summary: A tag to 5x11: Sam, Interrupted. Takes place two days after the episode and just before 5x12-Swap Meat. The brothers discuss Sam’s rage. Sam has a breakdown.


Disclaimer:Do I look like I own the Winchester brothers? Nope!! They belong to Eric Kripke. I just like honoring his skills and playing with his creation.

A.N: I had this idea since the episode aired and finally got the time to write and type it out.

Summary: A tag to 5x11: Sam, Interrupted. Takes place two days after the episode and just before 5x12-Swap Meat. The brothers discuss Sam's rage. Sam has a breakdown.

* * *

**Then: **

"_Most of the time I can hide it but I am angry….I'm mad at everything….. I'm mad all the time and I don't why…." _

"_Stop it…. stop it. So what if you are? What are you going to do, take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What?"_

"_No, of course not I…." _

"_Exactly. And that's exactly what you are going to do. You are going to take all that crap and bury it and forget about it because that's how we keep going. Are you with me?" _

_A short pause._

"_Come on, man, are you with me?" _

_A pause. "I'm with you."_

"_Good." _

* * *

**Now: **

Dean glanced at Sam from his spot perched on his bed leaning against the headboard. The TV was going quietly though Dean wasn't paying any attention. Instead he kept sneaking looks at his younger brother who was currently situated on his laptop, looking for another case no doubt.

Dean wasn't one to get in a lather about nothing but he had been worried since two days ago after they escaped the asylum. The hunt had obviously shaken up his younger brother. Sam might be the talkative one of the family but he did not make such outburst on a daily basis. Actually, Dean couldn't remember the last time that he had such an outburst. And though he didn't want to admit it, it scared and worried him.

And to make matters worse, Sam had been silent since his outburst. He didn't utter a sound. When they finally crossed the border of Oklahoma, they found a hotel and Sam still didn't say anything. They hadn't moved from that hotel yet and Sam had managed to stay silent for two days.

And that was bad. There were times when Sam kept quiet that long and none of it was good.

_I'm angry! Mad at everything. _He had said.

Dean wasn't surprise that he was. He had a bit of anger himself. So it wasn't that Sam was angry that worried Dean. It was what might happen if he let that anger consume him. This worry was starting to bug Dean and Sam's continual silence was not helping matters.

Dean could feel a chick-flick moment he desperately avoided coming on. There was no way he could let this slide. He had in the moment come up with a quick response to get Sam in gear. It wasn't that he didn't mean what he had said, but there was more that needed to be said and Dean wasn't going to have peace of mind until this was settled. And guess he was would have to initiate this if he wanted to get toward that peace of mind. He could see Sam wasn't going to.

And too much was at stake not to.

Dean turned off the TV. "Hey Sam", he cleared his throat. Said male looked up from behind the computer screen.

Dean cleared his throat again making Sam raise an eyebrow. "You've been quiet lately. What's up?" He gave a crooked grin.

Sam huffed and lowered his glaze back to the screen.

So that wasn't going to work.

"Sam." Dean called. He could hear the eye roll and feel the sigh.

Sam looked peaked over the laptop. Dean could see his eye twitching at the interruption. "Uh, what you said outside the asylum….."

"Forget it." Sam cut him off. The first word from him in two days.

Now it was Dean's turn to twitch. First words in days and that's what he says? "Sam…" It was his big brother voice used when something was really serious or really wrong or really seriously wrong. Whichever…

Sam tensed slightly, but didn't break his glaze from the screen.

"Look, you know I'm not all into Dr. Phil but there is too much at stake here."

"Dean you were right. I push it down, bury it and move on. I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place." He still didn't look up from the screen.

"Sam, you don't have outburst like this. This is obviously serious and perhaps a long time in coming."

Sam looked up and said wryly, "Dean I can't believe you of all people is pushing the issue."

Dean pushed himself off the headboard and swung his legs over the edge of the bed to face Sam. "Well, I didn't like what I saw. You looked close to doing something……you might regret." And he didn't like that Sam took so long to answer a simple question.

_Are you with me?_

Compound that, with his wounded puppy dog expression, it did not bode well. But that assessment only made Sam mad. Dean could see the storm building behind Sam's eyes.

"Like what, Dean?" Sam spat standing up slowly, "Become Lucifer's vessel?"

Dean was silent a moment too long, which made Sam angrier. He scoffed, "Are you serious? You think that I would become his vessel to escape my anger?"

"No, not like that. What I mean is…", Dean tried to protest but Sam cut him off.

"Do you have that low of an opinion of me?"

"Of course not! Sam…." Dean cried.

"No", Sam was leaning on the table, fire in his eyes, "You don't get it Dean. I am angry! Angry doesn't begin to describe it. I've got rage in me, Dean but I wouldn't become Lucifer's vessel." Sam lowered his voice and his face, his brown shaggy hair falling into his eyes covering his expression.

Dean stood quickly, hoping to appease his sibling. "I didn't say you would. I was simply saying……"

"Uh-huh!" the youngest yelled cutting the eldest off again. "All you people ever think is that I'm going to just give in!" Sam lifted his head and pushed off the table. He came around the table and began pacing before the beds. Dean slowly sunk down to the bed and watched as well as listened. There was no way he was getting a word in now.

Sam continued to rant, "Everyone is just waiting for me to blow my cork. What is it about me that everyone is waiting for that moment to laugh at me? Oh wait, when I accidently freed Lucifer they did. Now they are waiting for round two? Heck no!"

Dean's worry was steadily increasing. He feared his brother was losing it. He kept silent though, not wanting to bear the brunt of Sam's anger right now.

"No, no, you know what. I changed my mind", Sam stopped pacing a moment to turn to Dean. Dean internally shuddered at the murderous rage in his younger brother's eyes. He knew Sam was angry but never imagined how much.

"I'm not angry! I'm pissed! And guess what!? I deserve to be pissed", Sam yelled pointing his finger at Dean. Dean had his doubts that Sam was even seeing him right now. His vision had to be red.

"You want to know why I deserve to be pissed?!" Sam asked. Dean knew he wasn't supposed to really supply an answer so he kept his mouth shut. Sam didn't miss a beat, "Because we are being used as game pieces, you realize that Dean?"

Dean been realized that fact. Sam continued his angry pacing, "We are nothing but pawns in this sick apocalypse chess game. Our entire life was a game and it seems we were on a path we had no control over and a crash course to so-called "destiny". Sam stopped his pacing momentarily to do quote fingers and resumed, "We both want a life of our own choosing. Is that too much to ask for, man?"

Sam turned to Dean, stopping his pacing. Dean shook his head as an answer but did not open his mouth. Sam resumed his long angry strides getting more pumped up. "You know what? This entire thing pisses me off! Everyone around us is saying we'll give in to our so-called destinies. Destiny cannot be changed. Who the heck are they to tell us we had no choice since the beginning of our time on this earth. We are not puppets, marionettes on a string." Sam paused to imitate a puppet on a string before continuing his pacing, "We are people and have just as much right to a half way descent life as the next person. We shouldn't have to be running cross country trying to save this freaking world from burning. Burn baby burn, I say! Why should we be the ones that have to care?"

Dean might have found this particular part of Sam's rant amusing but he was far from it. He was grim faced as he continued to watch his little brother blow his top. "Sam…."

Sam spun around to face him, pointing a finger at him, "Shut up, Dean, just shut the heck up. I don't want to hear it", he snapped. He huffed before muttering, "You know what?"

Sam walked over to his bed and picked up his pillow. Before Dean could guess what he would do, Sam knocked over the lamp between the beds. Dean jumped up from the bed. Sam didn't miss a beat as he stalked over and knocked down everything but the computer from the table. Everything clanked to the floor then settled. Dead silence filled the room aside from Sam's heavy breathing as he leaned on the table his back to Dean. The eldest brother saw his shoulders heave.

"I'm sorry", came the soft voice of Sam a few minutes later, "I…I shouldn't….I mean I should keep control better. You are right. I need to bury this. Lucifer said that he wanted my rage so I need to…."

"Sam", Dean cut him off and this time didn't get cut off himself. His voice was cautious, "Listen….." he trailed off. What could he say? "I just….don't want anything to happen to you."

"You mean me becoming Lucifer's vessel because of my rage?"

"Yeah…"

Sam sighed softly shifting his weight. "I'm not going to give in", he said softly.

Dean feared the lack of conviction in his voice at the moment. All this was taking a toll on Sam, he knew. And as big brother it was his responsibility to make sure that Sam didn't crush under the weight of all this.

He took a step forward then another until he was standing next to his younger brother, "Sam, I'm just…. scared that even if you don't mean to, which I know you wouldn't mean to, that Lucifer could hone that rage if you let him. That if this rage consumes you, you would become an easier target and I won't let that happen. We've come too far to fail now. I mean, you've been through so much……"

Sam chuckled, "Right, like you haven't?"

"Well, yeah, but I think you'd get first place prize", Dean grinned once.

"Watch me jump for joy", Sam stated flatly.

There was a brief pause before Dean continued, "I understand that rage. Believe me, I do, but I'm just saying you need to be careful."

Sam nodded but didn't look up from the table. "I know."

"And if you feel it ready to boil over or consume you, you come to me okay?" Dean moved to get a better view of Sam's face.

"What ever happened to avoiding chick flick moments?" Sam chuckled once.

"This doesn't count. This is serious. Promise me." Dean stated seriously.

Sam laughed once, "Should we pinky swear like when we were kids." He looked up and stopped short. Dean wasn't smiling, not even a hint. He was serious.

Dead serious.

"Promise me", Dean repeated not breaking eye contact with Sam.

Sam looked away from the intensity of his big brother's expression, before looking back at him. "I promise, Dean", he vowed quietly.

Dean held out his fist towards Sam. "I will keep you to your word."

Sam didn't hesitate to tap Dean's fist lightly with his own. "I know you will."

Dean cracked a small grin as he dropped his hand. Sam lowered his own. He actually felt better after all this. A loud knock resounded at the door followed by a voice. "Hey! What's going on in there? I've got complaints here!"

Sam looked sheepish as he turned and surveyed the damage he left in his wake. "Ooops….."

"We are in trouble", Dean stated.

Sam rubbed the back on his head. "Sorry. Maybe next time I could just spar with you."

"Heck no, you ain't knocking up nothing on my person. It would destroy the gift to womankind. And seeing as your rage is murderous and my looks priceless we'll just settle for your beating the crap out of random inanimate objects." Dean said as he crossed the room.

Sam grinned, "Gee thanks."

"You are so welcome, little brother", Dean gave his trademark grin as he opened the door.

**Fin.**

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A.N.- I hope that Sam was somewhat in character, but considering he had a nervous breakdown, he might not be 100%. I hope you all enjoyed!


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